Self-Diagnosed Anxiety
Maybe some of you don't know it, but I often go through periods of mild to moderate anxiety. Anxiety at this level isn't something I've ever experienced until earlier this year, and although it doesn't come on frequently, when it does it seems to stop me in my tracks. I know I am not alone. Because (according to the internet) it's Mental Health week, I wanted to share my experience with anxiety and depression. I have never been to anyone for a diagnosis so this is a self-diagnosis and I could be a little off...but I feel it is anxiety.
I think living abroad in Korea makes a lot people a bit more worried or conscious about things we never even considered before. For example, being Canadian, before coming to Korea I had never once had to pay for health care. I never had to worry about going a little too often and paying for those visits. I often avoid going until I really need to, even if I am worried about what ever the problem is, making me even more worried that it might get worse if I don't go... but I don't want to pay! I am here to make money, pay of loans and have adventures. I unfortunately don't think to save money for things like that. I often think " maybe I'll just wait until I go back to Canada" but what if something happens and I don't leave when I actually plan to...again.
When I first started getting anxiety, along with the health worries, it also surrounded my work. I had come from a very cushy job, and even though it is still fairly easy, it's nothing compared to before. The work load I was being given between 3 schools and the rotten students I've had to teach made me very unhappy. I feel like now, for the most part, I've gotten used to the changes and have adapted to my new schools. Sometimes I still have problems with my classes but I don't get as worked up as I once did, and am finding ways to connect with most of my students. The only negative things that go with school now are the annoyances, such as how some of the teachers act towards me, or some of the rotten students who care about literally nothing. I'm impressed that I can now keep most of my 6th graders attention. My C(low) level middle school classes are currently my worst.
Another part of my anxiety has to do with me possibly and probably going home next year. I have been living in South Korea for over 4 years now. The transition to come here honestly wasn't as hard as it will be to go back. Fresh out of university I didn't have very many worries. I just wanted to go on an adventure. I still want that. As I get older I feel like I should have more responsibility and start doing certain things in my life, even though all I really want to do is fly away, explore the world, and get to know myself a little better. I think that's why, although the costs add up, I will never just stay put during my down time. People say the world is a small place, but I think there is a lot for me to see. "I was not born to pay bills and die". I don't really know who said that, and I've seen it been used many times but I truly believe that. I miss my friends and I miss my family but I really need to live my life for me.
In genera, I worry a lot. I worry about serious things, as well as simple things that don't really matter. I worry about things people haven't even said or done yet, but could possibly in the future. I worry about potential outcomes of my actions and the actions I don't take at all. After all the worries pile up in my head, I start to feel overwhelmed. Because of the nature of my job, having to be around kids all the time and being expected to be a positive influence to them, I don't really have time to recover and let take time to lessen the overwhelming feeling.
When I have anxiety attacks they usually pop up out of nowhere. Anything could trigger it. A loud noise in the office, a schedule change, a text message or other factors could be the cause. My whole body becomes tense and my heartbeat and breath speeds up. Sometimes I feel dizzy. I usually feel the need to cover my ears and close my eyes, to drown out anything going on around me. Sometimes I feel a numbing sensation in my arms. I can feel it right know as I type this blog. Nobody can help me and I have to calm down on my own.
I first began experiencing more extreme anxiety at the beginning of 2015 and at the time I thought something was wrong with me physically. I felt like I could breathe, my heart was beating, I couldn't sleep; It was always worse at night time. I once ended up going to the ER to make sure there wasn't anything really wrong with me physically. After 2 different kinds of blood drawn, a chest x-ray, and some other basic checks, the doctor said to me "You are stressed. Take a rest." Well thanks Doc.
After that it, though I now knew that it was mental, it was not getting better. I visited a clinic and he prescribed me with about 2 weeks worth of anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was unbelievably easy to get it, which really shocked me. It helped me calm down and brought my heartbeat and breathing rate down, and one of the pills in the pack made me sleepy. But I live quite far away from that doctor and was really worried that I wouldn't be able to go back so I tried to use the medication only when I was really bad. I was also worried about being dependant on them. I made them last until just a couple months ago, as I had started learning how to improve my anxiety for longer periods of time. I am currently not taking it and am looking for other, natural ways to deal with it.
My friends and loved ones don't always know what to do when I have anxiety attacks. I think its not something people are used to or comfortable dealing with. What doesn't help is being told "Calm down", "Cheer up", "Are you okay?" and things like that. What would be more helpful is distracting me from my thoughts or even asking how one can help. I am well aware that the things I get worried/stressed/anxious about are silly and irrational but somewhere in my can't control it.
I want to be clear that this is not a cry for help, or a pitty party for Krissy. It is more of of something so people can understand me better. I think mental health, not just mine, is so important; It's just as important as physical health, in my opinion. I think its really important to know about it so you can help loved ones who may be suffering. I saw that Buzzfeed has a whole playlist of videos for Mental Health Week, and I think they are worth watching. I will link the playlist below. This is super long, so if you have made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope this blog can help others to know they are not alone.
K~
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5vtqDuUM1DltRct7SkzxdQa2ZQC0EEFh
Mental Health Week Playlist.
In genera, I worry a lot. I worry about serious things, as well as simple things that don't really matter. I worry about things people haven't even said or done yet, but could possibly in the future. I worry about potential outcomes of my actions and the actions I don't take at all. After all the worries pile up in my head, I start to feel overwhelmed. Because of the nature of my job, having to be around kids all the time and being expected to be a positive influence to them, I don't really have time to recover and let take time to lessen the overwhelming feeling.
When I have anxiety attacks they usually pop up out of nowhere. Anything could trigger it. A loud noise in the office, a schedule change, a text message or other factors could be the cause. My whole body becomes tense and my heartbeat and breath speeds up. Sometimes I feel dizzy. I usually feel the need to cover my ears and close my eyes, to drown out anything going on around me. Sometimes I feel a numbing sensation in my arms. I can feel it right know as I type this blog. Nobody can help me and I have to calm down on my own.
I first began experiencing more extreme anxiety at the beginning of 2015 and at the time I thought something was wrong with me physically. I felt like I could breathe, my heart was beating, I couldn't sleep; It was always worse at night time. I once ended up going to the ER to make sure there wasn't anything really wrong with me physically. After 2 different kinds of blood drawn, a chest x-ray, and some other basic checks, the doctor said to me "You are stressed. Take a rest." Well thanks Doc.
After that it, though I now knew that it was mental, it was not getting better. I visited a clinic and he prescribed me with about 2 weeks worth of anxiety/anti-depressant medication. It was unbelievably easy to get it, which really shocked me. It helped me calm down and brought my heartbeat and breathing rate down, and one of the pills in the pack made me sleepy. But I live quite far away from that doctor and was really worried that I wouldn't be able to go back so I tried to use the medication only when I was really bad. I was also worried about being dependant on them. I made them last until just a couple months ago, as I had started learning how to improve my anxiety for longer periods of time. I am currently not taking it and am looking for other, natural ways to deal with it.
My friends and loved ones don't always know what to do when I have anxiety attacks. I think its not something people are used to or comfortable dealing with. What doesn't help is being told "Calm down", "Cheer up", "Are you okay?" and things like that. What would be more helpful is distracting me from my thoughts or even asking how one can help. I am well aware that the things I get worried/stressed/anxious about are silly and irrational but somewhere in my can't control it.
I want to be clear that this is not a cry for help, or a pitty party for Krissy. It is more of of something so people can understand me better. I think mental health, not just mine, is so important; It's just as important as physical health, in my opinion. I think its really important to know about it so you can help loved ones who may be suffering. I saw that Buzzfeed has a whole playlist of videos for Mental Health Week, and I think they are worth watching. I will link the playlist below. This is super long, so if you have made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope this blog can help others to know they are not alone.
K~
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5vtqDuUM1DltRct7SkzxdQa2ZQC0EEFh
Mental Health Week Playlist.
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